Who am I if I am not a specialist any more?
by aaaskyeward
Summary: What will Grant do after he finish dealing with his abusive brother? Will he have the chance to be with Skye again? Who is he when he is not a specialist any more? Grant-centric story. Some foul language involved. I hope you all enjoy the story as much as I do. If you are not, please leave a review. If you has ideas about the plots, I would like to hear them too.
1. Chapter 1

After destroying his brother Christian, Grant decided to stay low and enjoyed his life for now. That is why he show up in Hawaii now. He has been to this place for a few times for missions and never got the chance to explore these beautiful islands. Eying on all the bikini beauty walking on the sand, he began imaging Skye in bikini and soon realize it will never happen. A few girls obviously hit on him; however he did not want to go that route yet, so he left the beach and went into a bar. It reminded him the night Skye offered to have a talk. He was too coward at that time and he has not changed that much since then. He wanted to get drunk and see how life would lead him; therefore he ordered double shots. The bartender refused to serve him after the tenth cup, and he still felt very sober. He seemed like only drink ten small cup of water. Without the hope of getting more alcohol, he left and searched for another bar to fulfill his unfinished wish. This was when he heard women screaming from the back alleys. Without any thinking, he run to the back and saw a man holding a gun towards a young women who was apparently on the edge of breaking down.

"Hey, you. Drop the gun".

"Oh, a knight. You both will die here now".

Right before the guy firing bullets at him, Grant managed to reach him and kicked his head to the ground hard. He disappeared before the policemen showed up and somehow he was very happy. He never felt so joyful. This might be the best thing he can do now. After all the nasty things he did in the name of SHIELD or HYDRA, he finally could made amendments and save people' lives.

Grant spent the next year travelling through the most dangerous city in the States and struck down the gangs and drug dealers. When the potential threat was much beyond his ability to reach, he tipped the policemen he trusted after spending weeks observing them. Nobody knew him, but the children's happy face were enough to light up his days or even his dream. After volunteering cleaning the streets and neighborhood, his drowning nightmare started to disappear and he began to have much better rest during the night. Sometimes he felt the SHIELD and Hydra experience happened long time ago. After the first three month of his escape, SHIELD seemed to significantly reduce the effort to hunt him. He watched the argument between Iron Man and American Captain and wondered which side Coulson or SHIELD will align. The old nice Coulson might hesitant between both side, but the new Coulson who sent Grant back to his abusive brother, might align with Iron man for his money support and supposedly justified reason regardless Coulson's own feeling about American Captain. Grant suddenly laughed at his own thoughts. Why the hell did he worry about all these craps? It had nothing to do with him living a normal life. During all his cleaning mission, he never ran into anyone with super power, which made his life a little easier. He was sometimes curious how people could live so peacefully after seeing aliens invading earth and hearing the argument about super power.

His life might stay that peaceful despise of getting shots or having to run away from bombing once a while if he did not overhear the conversation between two women at the most popular bar in Chicago. They spoke in low volume, but Grant managed to catch a few words from them. They were talking about SHIELD, HYDRA and… Skye got kidnapped by her father. He was not concerned at first, because he knew how much Skye's father loved her. He did not see the man as monster, but a father whose daughter was kidnapped as a baby and tried hard to get his princess back. Grant knew he would never be able have Skye, but he still hoped the poor father had his chance. After all, his father did nothing wrong before HYDRA stepped in and took Skye away. The words Grant heard later alarmed him. These two women were talking about setting a trap to catch Skye's father with all possible means. This did not seem like SHIELD to him. Coulson would never approve anything like this to protect his agents, which Grant was once a part of. He decided to investigate this and protected Skye from any harm. He followed those two women home that night and kept following them for two weeks before he finally identified both people's identities. They were part of HYDRA science department and they were more interested in Skye's inhuman father than her. The way they talked about Skye's father made Grant sick. He saw Simmons talked in the same way when she was excited about experimenting on some insects. After another week, he finally followed these two agents into the trap place, which was an old house a few miles away from the main road. It was close enough to drive in but far enough for anyone to hear any sounds. The house was well maintained from outside and no one would doubt this house to be anything else. Grant sneaked into the only office building across from the house. The whole place was empty after 5:30 pm every day, which made it perfect for the upcoming event.

After another two days, Grant finally saw Skye walking into the house reluctantly with her father. She seemed to soften her attitude quite a bit, because she did not run off when she had all the freedom to do so. Grant did not know how many HYDRA were in the house, so he did not want to step in blind. After two gun shots, he rushed into the house before thinking about the consequence. With the help of thermal detector, he found Skye was hiding in the storage area at the left side of the house while her father was fighting with two super soldiers and multiple HYDRA agents in the center of the house. He reached the storage without alarming anyone who were fighting with the father. He gently knocked on the storage door.

"Skye, it is me, Ward. Open the door and we need to get out of here"

"Ward, what the hell are you doing here?"

Skye was frozen when she finally opened the door and saw his face. Judging from the sound, he knew Skye's father would break soon, so no time for any delay now. He grabbed her hand and tried to drag her out of the house. Skye pushed his hand away immediately and he landed at the back. It was so loud now everyone knew he was in the house and two HYDRA agents shift their focuses to him. Before he could react, Skye's father took care of those two agents. With only two super soldiers standing and paid no attention to them, Grant took the chance and run to outside. This time he held her hand tight so she had no choice of slipping away.

Three steps outside the house and he realized something was very wrong. Then he saw a bullet coming towards Skye. He immediately stepped in front of Skye to block the bullet. When it hit the vest, he actually did not feel much pain. He used this second to identify the sniper. He soon found out the sniper's location and fired several bullets towards him so they can have time to get to the SUV he prepared in the Office building. He felt dizzy and his feet began tremble. He also smell blood but still he did not feel any pain. Finally they found the SUV. He thrown the key to Skye and found it hard to get into the car with non-cooperative feet. He felt tired and also relaxed. He protected people and now he protected Skye. His life could not be any better. It may be a good time to take the long break he deserved.

"Ward, stay with me. Your son of bitch. I have so many questions to ask you. Don't you dare to fail men again!"

"Ward, I do not need to you to save me! I am not a fucking glass vase. I am a field agent, just like May. Did you hear me?"

"Grant, do not sleep! I may already lose my father. I do not want to lose you."

Grant did hear Skye screaming all over him, but he was too tired to hear what she said or give any response. He was even a little annoyed at Skye's effort to keep him awake. But soon every sound disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2- twilight zone

**Author notes: If you like my story, please leave reviews. I am still considering the bigger pictures, so I am open to different ideas.**

Grant realized something was terribly wrong the minute he woke up. He could not feel his lower body, just like this part never existed. He reached for his right leg and found it still part of his body. The hand knew it was touching the leg, but the leg did not feel it was being touched. The vest he wore was one of the best in the world, unless you faced a snipe fired at you within 50 yards. The speed of the bullet could be more than 1000 yards per second. Within such short distance, he probably should feel lucky to be alive. He had several failed missions in the past, but none of them left him severely harmed like this. He began to replay the whole situation in the head and tried to find out which part he did wrong. He could not find any mistakes other than serving as body guard to protect Skye. That was the only thing he could do within 0.2 second before the bullet hit Skye.

"Awake, huh."

"You should feel really lucky now. You lost almost all your blood during the operation and your heart stopped for more than 3 minutes multiple times. If Coulson did not ask the doctors to save your life by any means, you are a dead body by now."

"Oh, by the way, you are officially paralyzed for the rest of your life. I am sure it will be a great way to enjoy your life in the prison."

Skye's words made his heart broke into pieces. Nothing she said surprised him, but he was sad about the way she said it. She was not longer that happy girl who always cracked some jokes in the most dangerous situation to make everyone at ease. The bright side of her was gone forever, just like his mobility. With his brother not in the picture any more, Grant did not think SHIELD would hand him back to the government for trial. After all, he knew too much secrets that could not never be leaked. If Coulson decided to put him into one of the Fridge-like prison, being able to walk or not would not matter much because he could not escape either way. He was just glad to make some people's lives better before being put away. He still remembered the first women he saved in Hawaii. She graduated from law school one month ago and engaged with her classmate. Now she had a normal and happy life, something Grant could never have himself.

Grant was still buried in the memory when someone came into the room and disarmed the bar. It was Coulson. He had mixed feeling about Coulson. He once thought Coulson as a father figure, second to Garrett. After his betrayal, Coulson still tried to talk to him. Unfortunately he was too lost at the time to offer any help. After that Coulson became cold and used him purely for information purposes. He indeed found such method quite comfortable and familiar because this was how he was treated the whole life. Then Coulson leaned towards the bad side and decided to transfer him to Christian. He was horrified and could not stop cursing how you could do this to me. Coulson knew great details about his childhood and of course knew his abusive brother. However Coulson still decided to trade him like a tool for the benefit of SHIELD. This was the time he stopped admiring Coulson and decide to control his own life the first time in 31 years. He thought the hand-cuff was Coulson giving him a chance to fight for his life, but then he found out it was more due to the effect of GH35. He totally lose faith in Coulson or any one. He knew he deserved punishments or execution in the worst case. However he was still human and should have a right for a non-torture living before the decision was made. He never tortured his targets unless it was the absolutely necessary method to extract Intel. With his superior espionage and interpersonal skills, most targets leaked all Intel before they realized. He was a monster, but he hated to see Coulson fall into this category.

"How are you, Ward"

"Feeling much better, sir."

"I am glad to hear that."

"Questions for me?"

"Where were you the past year?"

"Travelling through the States by public transport."

"It was a shame that we never caught you if you actually took that many bus tours."

"I changed my appearance every time and it was not like SHIELD was actively pursuing me. You had more important things than chasing a formal traitor, was it not?"

"Which side did you or SHIELD take? I was surprised you are still the director of SHIELD. I heard Iron Man was offered this position."

"Shut up Ward. Never know you are so talkative."

"I am when I want to be. By the way, thanks for saving my miserable life. How do you want to use me this time?"

"Ward, enough. I did not save you for all these craps."

"So why did you bother to save me? You were willing to hand me back to my abuser then for SHIELD. Why wasted precious resources to save me, the traitor you hate to talk? You suddenly decided to give me second chance?"

"Why..." Grant suddenly began coughing and had a hard time breathing. He heard Coulson asking Simmons to come down to Vault D ASAP. Soon he felt a mask was put on and he finally could breathe now. He saw Simmons looked at him with horrified eyes and her hands were covered in blood. He realized it was his blood. He must be coughing blood and it scared Simmons. He wanted to say sorry, but he did not even has the strength to open his mouth.

"Simmons, go find Trip and get the monitor machine down here and ask Skye to connect it with the central alarm system."

"Ward, I have my reason to save you. You do not need to know now. Your only task is to get better now."

Grant watched Coulson left Vault D. Coulson always had so many reasons or secrets. After so many years working in secret services, he hated secrets and decided only told truth for questions. After a while, Trip carried a heart monitor downstairs and began to unbuckle Grant's shirt so he could attach the machine to Grant's upper body. He looked so surprised at Grant's scars that his hand frozen for a while.

"Man, what the hell have you gone through last year? Where did you get all these horrible scars?"

Grant wanted to stop Trip from touching his scars but his effort was easily blocked by Trip.

"Damn it. How can you survive from this gun shot? It was only 5 inches from your heart."

Grant took off the mask and tried hard to speak.

"I am a survivor. That is the way I choose to live my life."

"You were not hanging out with HYDRA, right?"

"No, I was never loyal to them or their crazy ideas. I was a free man."

"Skye already connected it to the alarm system, so if your heart is not beeping in the right range, Coulson and I will get an alarm message. Don't worry, you are in good hands."

Grant grabbed Trip's hand when he turned around and wanted to leave.

"How is Fitz?"

"He is talking much more fluently now. If he miss a word, Mack can help him out. He and Simmons also become friends again. Did I tell you Simmons is my girlfriend?"

"Thanks and congrats."

"I am surprised Simmons did not try to kill me. I still remember her threated to kill me the next time she saw me."

"Man, you were almost dead when we saw you. Your vest was soaked with blood. Your face was paler than the whitest wall. How could she fulfill her wishes in that situation, when you tried to save Skye? We are not cold blood killer. She and Skye were still furious about you because they still cared about you very much. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Deep down their heart, both of them may still have hope for you. Do not disappoint them again."

"I won't. I cannot do much thing with this body nonetheless."

"Grant! Don't you understand? We want to see you try to become better. Both of the girls want to know the Agent Ward they trusted exists somewhere. They may be harsh to you, but they are the last person who have hope in you. Do not fail us."

"I cannot promise much, but I will try to repay my debt to the team."

"Great. Now you need to have a good rest so your body can heal."

"Yeah, I am very weak now."

"Ward, you are not weak. Taking a sniper rifle bullet in that short distance was not for weak people. It does not offset your crime, but it was a start. Take the break you deserve and we will see what we can do tomorrow. Do not worry, we will watch your back."


	3. Chapter 3 Midnight

**Author notes: If you like my story, please leave reviews. I hope this new chapter help to answer to some of your questions. This piece was intended to be one-shot. Guess I just could not stop writing. **

Grant woke up in the middle of the night because his heart was beeping so fast. He did not want to alarm Trip or Coulson, so he tried to remove the string that connected to the heart rate monitor machine.

"If I were you, I would not do that."

His heart almost miss a beat when the voice suddenly popped out. Skye stayed in shade, so he did not see her at the first place. Before, he always knew people were approaching even before they stepped inside the room no matter how severely injured he was. That was how he survived last year. This time he failed to discover the existence of Skye. If she was here to kill him, he would be dead. He knew what the bullet could do to his body, but seeing how it reduced his ability was still frustrated. And it was just the beginning.

"Why were you there? How did you know? From your HYDRA buddy?"

Grant could not stand the sarcasm in her tone. He did not think too much about giving up his cover to save Skye's life, because he thought he could walk away without interfering their lives and continued his vigilante life. Maybe after some years, he could see himself as a person, not a monster any more. But reappearing in their lives like this only made everyone's life miserable. He was again reminded how much damaged he had done in the past and the possibility of redemption became even smaller. If he could not right his wrongs, he would never become the kind of man he desired to be. A decent man always admitted his faults and tried to correct them. He could imagined how hard it was for Coulson to make that decision and Simmons to provide him medical care. The current situation might hit Skye the hardest. Skye might hate him, but seeing him almost died for her would definitely stirred up her feeling. She might consider his act a way to control her feeling and made her weak again so she could fall back to him. Grant wanted to tell Skye it was not his purpose and he just wanted her to return to that young little rookies, but he couldn't.

"Wow, our robot is so quiet today. I heard you had a big argument with Coulson yesterday. Still feel pissed that he sent you back to that evil senator? I am glad he did that, because it saved our ass and made you tasted betrayal. You have no idea how badly you hurt all of us. Saving my life is nice, but do not expect thank you from me. And do not think it makes you less monster!"

"I do not expect thank you. I just do what I should do"

"Like hanging out with HYDRA guys?"

"I am never loyal to them."

"Just Garrett, right. You know what, I do not believe anything from you."

"You do not need to. I know what I am and I do not need approvals from you."

Grant felt his heart was beating too fast and now he could not breathe. The half attached machine started to have the annoyed alarming sound all around Vault D.

"Ward, ward. Hey, hey, breathe, you need to breathe."

"I … can't…."

"Simmons, his heart rate increased like crazy and he can't breathe now. Yes, I am talking about Grant. Do not ask me why I am here. Just get down here now."

"I can sedate him, but I am not sure if his body can handle it."

"Do you have other methods? If not, do it. I don't want him die."

When Grant woke up again, Trip was sitting in a chair close to his bed.

"Next time you mess up with the heart rate monitor, I will handcuff you! Why the hell do you think it was a good idea? You has been in coma for 3 days, because the sedation was too strong for your body. You made us almost freaked out. Jemma could not sleep at night and neither could Skye. They stayed here and watched you every night in the past 3 days. You know how hard I try to get them out of here and take a nap?"

"Antonio, let go your hand! I can't allow you to hurt my patient!"

Simmons and Skye walked downs the stairs as she was screaming over Trip. Both girls looked tired and torn up. Skye's makeup was a little messy and her eyes were red. It looked like she just cried. Grant wanted to say sorry, but he was stopped by Skye.

"Don't! No need to say anything now. I want to you to get better and thank you for saving my life."

Skye gave Trip and Simmons a sign and they both left.

"I just knew that my father died the day you saved me. He might be alien and powerful, but he was not god. And you were right. He loved me more than anyone else. He never lost control when he stayed with me. He was the target of that damn operation. If I did not go with him, he could just run and did not need to fight with all those soldiers. If I was not there, none of you would get hurt."

"After you escaped, a lot of things has changed. GH 35 almost made Coulson losing his mind. May helped him through the dark time. When Coulson became fully himself, he regretted the decision of handing you back. Mack supported Fitz the whole time especially when he found out Jemma was with Trip. I went to multiple missions with Trip and he always covered me just like you did in the old times. After so many missions, I just realized how native I was. Our purpose may be good, but it did not always turn into good results. Casualty was the byproduct. The more people I kill, the less human I become. I obey order, finish the job and ask no questions. I become more like you, the person I hate the most in the world. What an irony situation!"

"Grant, I hate to see you taking a bullet for me. I do not like you protecting me after everything you have done to the team. I hate to admit I am the reason you are lying there and badly injured. I hate the fact that I can't hate you anymore. Why can't you just stay out of our lives?"

Grant took off his mask and whispered.

"Sorry to make your life miserable again. I respect your ability as a field agent, but I was the one with bullet proof vest, not you."

"I know you won't believe me, but to protect people become my instinct now. This is what I have done for last year. I traveled and eliminated the biggest threats to the safety of the city. I know what I am capable of and want to use it for good things once in my life. So, no need to feel anything special about me saving your life. I did it because I wanted to tell myself I am a good man."

Skye was crying when Coulson rushed into Vault D.

"Ward, we are moving you to a room upstairs with better medical equipment based on Simmons's suggestion. Trip, Mack, be careful. Fitz, en…, you can hold the door."

Grant did not want Fitz to see him like this. He wanted to earn back his respect the hard way, not because of pity. He already made enough people emotionally painful and he did not want to add Fitz to the list.


	4. Chapter 4 Reborn

**Author notes: If you like my story, please leave reviews. **

When Grant was moved past Fitz, he avoided looking at Grant's eyes, which made Grant felt a little better. After moving into a better equipped medical room, Grant's life did not get any better. In fact, it became worse. The side effects of the surgery started to surface. First, he had a fever over 105F and the doctors could not figure out the reason, nor could they cool his off. He felt he was a steak being fired on a pan. A lot of people came to visit him and some of them were holding his hand and talking to him. However, he was too ill to recognize any of the visitor or hear their words. He never believe in any religion, but he must be in the 19th floor of the hell now, an unknown floor only for killers like him. Then he could not breathe well even with the help of mask. He felt like drowning and he could really understand why FitzSimmons hated him that much. Not matter how he tried to give them a fighting chance, he did send his precious friends down to the bottom of the ocean. He knew he was dying, but at least he did manage to save a lot of lives. Dying for saving other was the best result for him now.

Then fire and drowning all disappeared. He was sitting at a beautiful Prairie. He lied down at the grass and smell the sunshine. He wanted to stay here when a gorgeous lady approached him.

"Hello Grant, how do you feel now?" She smiled warmly.

"I feel excellent and I really like this place. It is so beautiful and bright."

"I am glad to hear that. Now, I need to ask you a question. Do you want to stay here forever, enjoy the beautiful sunshine with me?"

Grant almost wanted to say yes, but then he felt he forgot something very important. However he could not remember what he forget, no matter how hard he tried.

"Let me rephrase my question. Do you want to stay here, enjoy the beauty of this place and let go every miserable thing in your life? Or do you want to go back to your current life, where you could not walk and have to work hard to redeem yourself."

Grant hesitated. This life here was so tempting. Nice weather, beautiful lady and he could go anywhere he wanted. The original life, on the other hand, was dark, hopeless. He was restrained by the wheelchair and he might never be able to correct any of his mistakes. His very existence already caused emotion hardship for the team he cared the most. If he decided to stay here, the team would forget him and his wrongdoings one day. Time would be the best way to heal their wounds if he did not stay and made things worse. Sorry for choosing the easy way out again. Bye my team.

Grant was ready to say yes when he heard Skye screaming on him.

"You idiots, come back to me. Yes I fucking hate you; but it is only because I love you so much! I almost lost you twice. Do not put me through this again, please. I want you alive, no matter what! Just come back!"

"This is the first time a human voice reach here. No one has done this before. That is fascinating. I am more interested in you now."

"What is this place? What do you mean?"

"This is the LIMO, a place between Heaven and Hell. I picked people who interested me the most and gave them a choice to stay here forever. Once you are here, you can do whatever you want to do and never die. Since it is not a part of human world, no human should be able to come here unless I say so. If you want to leave, you can pass through that black door and you will be back. But make your choice wisely. If you leave, the next time you die, you will go directly to hell or heaven. Heaven has a bunch of rules to obey, or they will kick you back to hell. The pain you experienced before coming here was just a small fraction of hell. Do you want to sacrifice all the good things here just for a few more years in that dark world and someone who claimed to love you, but happily turned you to the abusive brother? Think twice before you act. You only have one opportunity to make the right choice."

Her words were persuasive and everything she said were correct. However he found it hard to say yes. He was waiting for a determined moment. Maybe he wanted to hear Skye one more time before he decided to stay here forever.

"Grant, please! I l lost my father already; do not make me lost you too. Specialist or not; handicap or not, evil or not, I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, so do not abandon me like this."

"You are crying to believe a man like you would cry. Let me tell you a secret. You only have 30 seconds to make decision; otherwise the black door will disappear and you will stay here forever. If you want to go back, let me give you a final advice. Your life will be hard and you will face so many obstacles that you may lost hopes sometimes. Since you turn down the best opportunity for after life, stay away from death as long as you can."

Grant stood up and found the black door fading. He immediately run towards the door and managed to open the door before it completely disappeared; then he fell into a bright channel and soon he hit something very hard and passed out.

The next time Grant woke up, everyone in the team were standing close to his bed. Skye was even holding his hand. He glanced around the whole team and tried to recognize everyone's expression. Fitz and Simmons were standing on the opposite side of his bed and they both had the indecipherable faces. Coulson seemed to worry about him. May had her usually cold face. Trip was angry and also worried. There were a few new people that he could not recognized the faces, but all of them looked anxious.

"Grant, we almost lost you in that surgery. We may still hate you, but we do not want you die. Do you understand me? Death is not permitted and this is an order!"

"Grant, in case you did not hear me, I love you no matter what you think you are. I thought I hated you, but my heart was ripped out when I saw you lying in the surgery room and losing your life. I almost went crazy when thinking about losing you. Never ever put me into that spot again, will you?"

" You need to get….. better before I can…..give you proper …punishment."

"Do not break Skye heart again. My promise to kill you is still valid"

"Agent Coulson, I told you the room could not handle so many people. My patient need rest and all of you are banned from this room from now on until he can be transferred to ordinary room. Now leave the room or I will kick all of you out!"

"Agent Skye, why none of your field agents appreciate my hard work? My team spent 12 hours to save Mr. Ward and I do not want to do that again. Mr. Ward, you will be better. My team will help you from now on."

"Grant, take some rest and I will stay with you here."

With Skye firmly holding his hand, Grant finally fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5 Emotion

**Author notes: If you like my story, please leave reviews. It is getting more and more emotional now.**

Finally Grant started his rehab. After two months lying in the bed, he lost a lot of muscles especially in the legs and the abdomen. He could barely recognize himself when he first looked at the mirror. The face he saw in the mirror reminded him the 15 years boy he once was. Before he even realized, his whole body was shacking. He tried to suppress, but he failed and it became more obvious. He did not understand why he was so nervous and he hated to lose control of his emotion. He never panicked unless it was related to his family, which he also managed to hide well.

"Hey, Grant. Relaxed. Do not worry. We will just have a talk with the doctor and let him make a plan. That is it. Nothing to worry about, baby."

Skye's words did not comfort Grant much. He hated this body that did not listen to him any longer. He really just wanted to punch the anger out of the sand bags and he could not do this either. Out of frustration, he removed Skye's hand from his should and buried his face into his hands.

"Baby, I know you are frustrated, but we need to see this doctor and we can work from there, OK? Shall we go now?"

He nodded but he still kept his face in the hands. He did not need to know the ways people might look at him. He could not stand those eyes and he sadly realized he never changed. If he lost the ability to protect even himself, what was he now? Could he ever pay back the debts to the team or just get more debts from the team?

The doctor looked like a nice and approachable person, so it eased his anxiety a little bit. Although he gave a lengthy speech about the plan, Grant only remembered a few keys sentences, such as "our goal is to ensure you can live on your own." Skye was way more active in the discussion than Grant was. He did not recognize any of words both said, instead he was looking at Skye's face and her big watery brown eyes. These eyes caught him off guard the first time they met and enabled him to spill out some truth about his feeling towards her. There was no truth serum, but her beautiful eyes served the same purpose to him.

"Grant! Have you ever listened to what doctor said about your rehab plan?"

"No. I was busy looking at you."

"I am flattered, but you need to pay attention. This is the important stuff."

Nothing was more important than you, Grant mumbled. He had gone through several physical therapies in the past. Although the past results were great, he knew these therapies would only help you that much. He did not have much faith in this rehab plan. Nor did he want to. Having less hope would help him if the plan did not improve his body function much.

"Grant, the weather is excellent now. Do you want to go outside and enjoy the weather?"

"No, just get me back to the room."

"Grant, you have been in that room for more than 2 months. See how pale you are now. You need some sunshine and it will make you happier."

Despite his opposition, Skye wheeled him outside the building to the little garden. The weather was indeed quite good. The temperature was probably 80F and he could even smell the scent of grass, which reminded him the LIMO. If he could turn the time back, would he make the same choice? Honestly, he did not know now.

When they were back to the room, Grant watched Skye unbuckle the constraint/safety belt from the wheelchair and helped him get back to bed by providing support under his arm. After he was back to the bed, Skye took off his shoes and began massaged his feet. She did all these things so naturally, which horrified Grant. He did not save her so she could do all things for him. He wanted Skye to have a well-deserved decent life, not a life as his personal nurse. He knew how much Skye loved to be with Coulson's team. She thought it was her only family. However with him in such condition, she would definitely spent most of her time with him, which would cause trouble when everyone else still hated him.

"Robot, you are so silent today. Anything wrong? Don't worry. We will help you get better and I will always be here, with you."

"What about your job? Skye, I do not need you to stay with me every second. Go finish your assignments and enjoy team bonding or whatever off time with your team. I can handle myself or nurse can help me too."

"Grant, you are really off today. You just start your rehab and it will be a long and hard process. How can I leave you in such time? I want to be here and support you to overcome every obstacle. I know I have talked tons of shit to you and I regret every word I said. Can you just give me a chance to restart this relationship? Please!"

Grant could not look at Skye's eyes. It was too painful for him. He wanted to keep Skye away, but he also knew it would not work, at least for now. He needed someone to support him, but he did not want limit Skye. As a field agent and hacker, she had great potential and he did not want to be the one that stopped her from rising.

"Coulson already granted me 1 month break, so stop worrying about my job. Coulson recruited a lot of new people last year and he can find someone for my spot. Here is the only place I want to be, so do not try to kick me out. It does not look like your style at all. You always wanted me to be with you in the past and you were willing to do anything for this purpose. I just do not understand you now."

She fell asleep lying on top of Grant's leg. He knew she had limited sleep because she always checked his situation and monitored his status. After two major surgeries, his situation had been like riding roller coasters and finally became stabilized over a week ago. Like him, she lost a lot of weight over the past few months. He wanted to kiss her, however his lower back hurt so much that he gave up trying bend down. He just sat there and watched her sleeping.


	6. Chapter 6 Escape

The more Grant stayed in the hospital, the worse he felt. Although the rehab did help him get accustomed to his daily tasks, his mood was getting down each day. Skye helping him shower became his new nightmare. In the dream, Skye was nice at the first, but during the shower, she began to laugh at his now skinny legs and muscle-less abs. When she got him out of the tub, she would complain how heavy he was and made comments about why he had not died in the scene. He always woke up in the middle of the night, sweating. He knew the real Skye would never do these things to him, but the nightmares were so authentic that he sometimes mixed the actual scene with his dream. Therefore, he refused Skye's effort to help him taking shower any more. With his still strong upper body muscle, he finally managed to finish the shower and get dressed properly. He also did not want Skye to spend every second with him. He could not get used to such intimacy and preferred some privacy. He also wanted Skye to have her own time and got some rest. After taking care of him for so long, Skye was already exhausted and close to the edge of breaking down. Although Grant asked her to take a break or spend less time with him, Skye simply ignored his advices and basically treated his medical bay as her bedroom too. He felt guilty was most likely the explanation for Skye's restless efforts of taking excellent care of him. This relationship was not healthy even he could tell. Except taking a break, Skye would fulfill every wish he had asked. He tried to irritate her once by asking her to leave or buy Chinese food from a specific food chain which he knew did not have any store within 100 miles of the hospital. However Skye did bring him the food he required because she drove 2.5 hours to get to the closest store. After that, he gave up trying that route.

Grant did not like the way Skye behaved around him, but he had zero luck trying to change her as well. That left him only one last chance to make things right. He had to escape the hospital for the benefit of both people. If the doctor discharged him, Coulson would definitely put him back to prison, where he could provide no help at all. If he left, Skye might finally have some time to rethink their relation and the team would help her to make sense again.

After Grant made decision, he needed to make a plan. The transportation would be a big problem even if he did manage to sneak out of the hospital. He could not just break in any cars due to his current condition. After talking to a few nurses, he knew Dr. Mason, who was shot and paralyzed in Iraq war, had an adapted car. Dr. Mason also had a 36 hour shift two day later, which meant his car would be in the parking lot. Grant could not use Mason's car for too long before being discovered. He had to find another vehicle to suit his special need. He then remembered he actually had one adapted car in the safe house 3 hours away from here. He bought the car a long time ago after he was temporarily paralyzed for a disaster mission. After that, everything should be easy.

At that day, Grant persuaded Trip to encourage Jemma to set up a girl's night and invited Skye to go with her. Skye had no reason to refuse since he was much better than before and she actually missed the team very much. After sending Skye away, Grant set the alarm to 1 am and fell sleep. After the alarm went off, he woke up, got dressed and left a letter he wrote before to Skye. He quickly arrived the parking lot without anyone noticing. Although encountered some difficulties at first, he successfully drove away the car. After 3 hours driving, he reached the 1st safe house at 4:30 am. He packed up all the belongings and switched to his adapted car. After driving a few miles and made sure no one was following, he stopped at a parking space to quickly dye his hair and change the color of his eyes. After that, he drove to his next safe house 4 hours away. It was an apartment building next a big university. Most tenants were college students who never paid attention to their neighbors. He should be able to live here for a while before everything cool down again.

**Author's note: .7, thanks for your continous reviews! I know this chapter is a bit short, but I am thinking the plot after the escaping. I decided to change my previous ideas, so any ideas are welcome!**


	7. Chapter 7 Darkness

Someone once said the world would be dramatically different if you change the angle. The apartment felt much smaller when you needed space to turn the wheelchair around. To be honest, Grant still found it hard to adjust to this life. With a previous similar experience, he quickly learned how to take care of himself physically. Psychologically, he was still in denial mode. Last time he knew the disability would be temporary and he had still felt unease when the recovery was longer than expected. This time, there would be no recovery and he needed to acknowledge the fact that walking was not possible any more. He had been thinking about walking too much that he dreamt about it and could not distinguish the dream with the current world long after waking up.

Grant spent the first two days doing absolutely nothing, not even eating. He wanted to figure out what he should do now. Apparently, he could not run solo missions as before. Most of his resources were connected to SHIELD or HYDRA one way or another and he did not want to deal with any agency right now, especially when both wished him dead. His lower back started to kill him at the third day and he needed to eat something before taking the meds, so he ordered a delivery. When he opened the door for the delivery, the girl pushed the door too fast towards his direction and it hit his wheelchair to the ground. The girl seemed scared and did not know how to response.

"Don't worry. It is not as bad as it may seem." Grant tried to unbuckle the safety belt/restraint belt so he could be released from the chair, but he had tied it so tightly for the back pain that it took long time to unbuckle it.

"How …can I help you?"

"Well, you can help me unbuckle the belt or help me straight up, whatever is easier for you."

To Grant's surprise, this girl actually had the strength to straight up the chair when he was tied to it.

"I used to compete in weightlifting, so …"

"Danny Smith. What is your name?"

"Melisa Robert. Sorry about what just happened. This lunch is on the house."

"No worries, and thank you."

The meds did not help to relieve the back pain, but made his very sleepy instead. In the dream, Skye was playing happily with buddy. He was sitting on the grass, taking food container from his super huge bags. John was also in the dream. He sat close to the tree and smiled to Grant.

"Son, I am so proud of your achievements. You are the best I can ever asked for my life. Remember, I always love you and I can do anything for you."

Grant enjoyed everything in the dream and preferred to stay here forever if possible; however his back pain constantly reminded him this was not real. Finally the pain became so severe that he could not even straight up to sit position. When he tried to reach the wheelchair, his trembling hand actually put it farther and he fell on the ground, landing on the back. The cold surface of the tile helped to numb his back thus reduced the pain. He knew eventually he would catch a cold or even fever, but he still hesitated to move and stayed lying on the ground.

Grant was certain his self-control became much weaker since the incident. His body had been wounded and tortured so many times. None of them had much profound effect on him, but this bullet wound had altered his significantly. Who did he want to be for the rest of his life? He did not have much ambition left. When he ran away from the soldiers, he listed three goals to accomplish. The first one was to take care of his abusive brother. He struggled and felt scared, but at the end he was the winner. Christian was still alive and suffering. Grant did not feel joyful and relieved; instead he felt more disgusted. Doing things in the right way was the second goal. In the past, he was made to believe the result was the only thing that mattered, but he had seen too many harm were caused by using wrong ways to get the good results. This was why he decided to take down the gangs to give a greater protection for everyone in the cities. Those memories were the only highlights of his life and he did feel live like a human being for once. The final goal was to earn Skye back. He was so close to achieving this goal but he gave up and escaped like a coward. He persuaded himself it was for Skye's benefit. She did not need to spend time taking care of him and she deserved a better man. No, this was not true. It was not for Skye's benefit. It was for his own benefit. He hated to show anyone he was helpless. He was afraid to let Skye help him or protect him if anything happened. He could not get used to be the weak one in this relationship. He had to escape before Skye offered the assistance. If he had to be weak, at least no one could see now.

Grant started to feel lightheaded and he really should get back to lie on sofa or bed if he could get to the wheelchair. However, his body liked the cold surface and he did not feel like to move. He heard someone knocking on the door, but he hated to get up now and just wanted to get rid of the annoying noise. Then, his door was busted open and a few people came inside. One of them looked extremely familiar. Dame it. It was Skye. How could they find him so quickly? Everything was so blurred and he could not see Skye's face. He was so sleepy now and his eyes finally closed.

The next time Grant woke up, he was lying on the hospital bed; the same bed before he escaped. Skye was staring at him and Coulson was sitting near his bedside with an anxious and furious face.

"I am glad we got you a tracker. Otherwise, you could be a dead body now."

"I was doing fine until all of you showed up."

"Doing fine? You called lying on a freezing cold tile floor with a more than 100F fever 'doing fine'? You barely recognized us and you had severe infections. Why can't you just stay here and stop making troubles for us? Because of you, hunter and I had to give up all our work and tried to locate the signal of your tracker. I was so worried that I barely slept for the last 4 days. I do not know how I can still stand here and scold at you."

"Skye, calm down. Why don't you just go back your room and take a little rest? Grant will be watched. No need to worry again."

"Thanks, Coulson, but I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see him covered by blood and I cannot feel his pulse. I was so desperately trying to save him, but nothing worked and I witness him died in front of me. Do you know how scared and helpless I was, Grant? Don't you ever dare to do that again to me!"

"I just tried to save you some trouble in case you regret the decision later."

"You do not know me that well to make the decision for me, Grant!"

"You are right. I do not know you very well, but I knew your actions and feeling were fueled purely by guilty. I do not need your pity and your nasty words when you regain your sense later. Do not call me Grant. It is too personal and there is nothing personal between us."

"There is nothing personal? Wow, that is so like the old traitor you. Last time you tried to kidnap me and gained access to the hard drive. What do you try to accomplish this time? Regain my trust and break it into pieces again?"

"Skye, go back to your room, Now. It is an order!"

"Grant, you need to calm down. Your heart rate is spiking now. Skye did not mean what she said. She barely slept when you were missing. She stayed here all night to look after you when the surgery was finished. She loved you deeply."

"No, she did not. Every time she came down to see me in Vault D, she always made sure I knew she had wished me dead."

"Hey, Grant, you really need to calm down now. Breathe, relax. Keep Breathing. Skye did not mean that. She was just upset about your betrayal and decided to lash out all her anger to you. Do not ever doubt she loves you."

**Author's note: The next chapter is the final one. It will contain a lot of angst and fight.**


	8. Chapter 8 The end

Grant woke up in the middle of the night after having another Skye taking-him-shower nightmare. He was able to do a lot of daily tasks without being helped after finished the rehab. If he had the chance, he could live by his own without much difficulty. He was much stronger now. Why did he still have this nightmare? He had able to suppress the well memory and only had a few nightmares after the staff incidents. He had not felt the pure desperation in this nightmare for a long time, not even in the well memories. The dream might be just a reflection of truth. He was wearing a mask to help breathe. His left hand had the IV and his right forefinger was connected to the heart rate monitor machine. Even Grant could not think himself as strong now after checking his own condition. He wanted to throw away the mask and removed IV and the monitor, but his senses knew he would probably pass out during the process. In fact, he was not even sure whether he had the strength to sit up.

"Hey Grant. I am sorry that I said all those shit to you. I know you have gone through a really rough time. I was not thinking straight this afternoon you know. I was too tired and worried about you. After you disappeared, my mind just kept looping the moment I found you passed out in the car. I was scared as hell that day and I never want to experience it again. You disappearing from the hospital just put me through the same feeling again. It was so painful for me to see you injured like this. It hurt me more when you refused my help and decided to go out of grid."

Grant turned around his head and looked Skye directly at her eyes. He found mourn, sorry, desperation and much more emotion than he could identify. His Skye had changed a little bit back to the warmhearted girl. He wished he could protect Skye enough so she was always that humorous little rookie. However, he was also the major reason for her change. He did not like the choices he made to align with HYDRA, but he never regretted the decision. Those were part of his lives and he could not make better decision, considering how Garrett had controlled him. Skye was and had been always the only sunshine in his life, so he tried to keep her around with all means before. But he gave up this idea after the injury. However, Skye seemed so determined and she definitely would try to stay with him by any means, just like what he had done in the past. Grant found such twist in this relationship very irony.

"Skye, I just do not want to be put back into prison again. I prefer to live alone and I have the ability to take care of myself."

"Grant, you are stubborn as a mule. Do I have to repeat again your situation when we found you? If you want, I can ask the doctor to explain how hard he worked to help you. I am sure he will be very happy to complain about a certain patient."

"Grant, I choose to stay with you the moment I know I cannot lose you. I have made my decision firmly and the team was well aware of that. Nothing can change that."

"No, you are too young to understand the complication of your decision and the potential effect on both of our lives. I am surprised Coulson or May did not talk you out of it. I could be put back to prison for years or Coulson may decide execution will be a fair result for me. You are wasting your precious time or you may fight fiercely with Coulson and lose the only family that cares about you. In either case, you will lose a lot for nothing. It is not worthwhile, Skye."

"I do not care about that. You always said I was your sunshine and you were mine too. I am tired of hiding or lying about my own emotion. I know life with you could be tough, but I never want to live a luxury life. All I want is just a family with you."

"This is the problem, Skye. I was never your sunshine. Everything I did to you was based on calculation. I had to keep you under control. Making you love me was the best way to control you. Like I said, it was a mission and nothing personal."

"Well, then you did a poor job. You could not get anything from me for that hard drive."

"Your affection on me did make you crack that hard drive if I remembered things correctly."

"Grant, how can you say this like it was just a tactic? If I did not choose to save you over the hard drive, you would die. You would DIE. How could you take this so easily?"

"It was a tactic and it worked. That was all it mattered. Specialists always use emotion as the best weapon to finish their job and I was one of the best."

"That is bullshit. You did not know Garrett would do that to you and you were gentle to me. You treated May quite differently."

"Because she is the Calvary and you are just a hacker, easily to lure out information."

"Grant, I get what you try to do here. However, you cannot change my mind. No one can."

"Skye, I just want to be nice for once. This is a stupid idea and it will hurt both of us. You will soon find out the hard truth and start to bash me about my past wrongdoings before finally tail off to Coulson."

"Grant, why you do not believe me? I love you and I am ready for whatever life has prepared for us."

"No us. There is never us in this relationship. I was your mentor at first and then an enemy to you later. Never a love interest."

"Then why did you say you loved me?"

"Just to get myself out of that little too light cell."

"Why did you come to rescue me? No one had discovered your trace and you could just keep hiding without going through so many troubles for saving me?"

"I want to repay the debt to the team. That is all."

"Can you look at my eyes and say you never love me? Can you?"

"Grant, you need to stop lying to yourself and respect the fact that we love each other deeply. No matter what you have done in the past, I am here to help you accomplish your goals."

"No, Skye you don't understand. The Grant Ward you loved never existed. Who would not love a handsome, conscientious, protective man? But I am not that man. I may still be handsome, but I was never conscientious or protective. I am weak and dark. My brother left me broken and became easily manipulated. All the protection I did was just a way to earn the trust and better blended into the team. Everything I did was based on careful calculation. I do not have feeling for most things, just like a robot. I am never a good guy, either. I used all means to get the jobs done. When you said you loved me, you were referring to my cover, not the real me. You said you never liked the actual me before and I do not need to hear you saying it again. Once is enough for me."

"Grant, how can I make you believe my words? I love you, the real you. I read all your files and I talked to Christian after you took care him. I gathered a lot of information about you. I know who you are not and will like to learn who you will be. Do not push me away, please."

"Are you trying to play me again? Just like the way you extract information about your parents? I do not have anything worth your time now, so no need to bother me again."

"Grant, please. I know we both hurt each other deeply, but give me a chance to start this thing again. There is no more secret between us now. We can help each other to be a better person."

"Skye, this is no chance for this relationship, not any more. We are both broke and the wound in the heart never heals. Our past will always come back and haunt us. Every time I look at you, I remember being thrown back to worst nightmare. When you look at me, you probably remember Fitzsimmons or Koenig or Agent Hand. It is better for us to stay separate and never see each other again. Time will slowly heal the wounds and we may be able to find someone fit us better."

"Skye, I know how you feel now, but trust me, that is not love. You feel you are responsible for my situation, thus you should stay with me and take care of me. But I do not need other to help me and my action was purely paying back debts to the team, not targeting you specifically. Never make decision when you are overload with emotions."

"Grant, I am very calm. You are the one who is overload with emotions. You live in denial. You do not believe unconditional love and you are afraid of being betrayed again. I get it and I will prove you are wrong."

"Skye, do not force your decision on me, please. If you really love me, do not do this to me. Let me have the freedom to plan a future without you, please."

"If this is what you truly want. Just remember I always love you."

Seeing Skye left the room, Grant tried hard to control tears from falling out. Skye deserved a better man, who would support her, not reminding her all the dark times. He could never be that man no matter how hard he tried. The best he could do was staying away and hoping time could change Skye back to that conscientious and somewhat naïve hacker. He heard Skye crying loud outside his room, but suffering now is better suffering forever. In the long run, she would be grateful for the hard decision he made today.

Skye still came to visit him occasionally, but they never started the relationship topic again. After a few weeks, he was finally discharged and his back pain disappeared as well. Coulson already inform him a decision had been made by high level agents in the SHIELD. Grant knew it was probably Fury, but he did not want to explain why he knew Fury was not dead. After what he had done in the name of HYDRA, a few years in the prison was not a bad sentence. He was even a little surprised that Fury did not try something more severe to him, since Fury always preferred heavy punishments. Coulson was the only one present when Grant left the hospital.

"I must say I am honored you come to transfer me to the cell, Sir."

"No need to be an asshole to me."

"I am not. I just want to express my feeling."

"Alright, then you need find another way to properly express your feeling."

"I am sure I have plenty time to learn or practice."

"Grant!"

"Coulson, I mean it. By the way, I think you are a better director than Iron Man."

His cell in the prison was quite accessible and no one knew his actual name or crime, not even the guard. Coulson seemed to make great effort to keep him safe here. He had to admit his current physical condition was not good for bare hand fighting or defending himself. After a while, Grant finally started to accept his disability and gradually got used to live with it. His time in jail was actually the easiest time in his life. Due to his physical constraint, his work was mostly sewing or translating books into English, which he enjoyed very much.

Coulson would come visit him once a while. Sometimes he came for HYDRA intelligence or suggestions on actions plans toward HYDRA. Other times he just came to check on Grant. In these sessions, Grant would tell Coulson the novels he just translated and shared any gossips he found interesting, hoping to make Coulson's day a little lighter. Trip was the other visitor he sometimes got. Trip would tell him every news about the team, such as Fitz finally spoke without difficulties. He knew Trip broke up with Simmons and he could see the pain in Trip's eyes. Simmons started to date Fitz and it made Trip uncomfortable around the team. Grant tried to comfort Trip but he was not sure whether it worked. Trip also told him Skye started to date another agent in the base and she even moved to live with that guy. Grant smiled when he heard this news, but his heart broke into ashes. The next time Trip came, he told Grant Skye was engaged to that guy in the base. Grant tried to feel happy for Skye, but he was too painful to even think about it. He should had known this was the result when he pushed Skye away. Imaging Skye marrying other man, Grant finally admitted he made a wrong decision in the hospital, but it was too late now.

The day finally arrived. Grant finally finished all his jail time and was ready to leave here. Trip was the only one waiting for him outside the door. Trip said Coulson was buried in the meetings and paperwork, but he really would like come here and pick Grant up. After everything had changed dramatically, Grant appreciated Coulson still cared about him.

"Where are we going, Trip?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. We are heading back to the base. Coulson seems to have something planned for you."

"For me? I am not really interested in working for SHIELD and I can't do it, either."

"I do not really know Coulson's plan. If you don't like it, just refuse him. You have paid for your wrongdoings and you deserve to live the way you want from now on."

"Thanks, Trip."

"Damn it. I am late for my debrief. Grant, can you go to Coulson's office by yourself? His office is the one down the hall, on the right side."

"No problem, thanks for getting me here."

"Don't mention it. See you later."

Grant was a little nervous when he prepared to knock on Coulson's door. When the door was opened, his heart stopped beating for a second. Fitz and Skye, without a ring in the left hand, were also in the office. He had not prepared to see them again. He could see both of them felt the same way. The office was awkwardly silent.

"What is your plan for me, Coulson? I have no interest working for you. I have done my time and I should have a chance to start my new life."

"Grant, do not make decision so quickly. I want you to work in Academy as instructor for espionage. The kids will be delighted."

"No. I am done with the whole SHIELD thing. And how do you introduce me to them? The best spy since black widow who tricked the Director of SHIELD for a long time? My history with you or HYDRA were painful for me and I cannot wait to throw away all these memories. From now on, I just want to be a normal person."

"How about me, Grant? You are ready to forget about me, too?"

"Yes, you were also part of the bad memory. Why do you ever care? You never visited me. Last time I checked with Trip, you were happily engaged to other man."

"I tried, but I can't forget you. Nothing can let me forget you. I never had the courage to visit you. I often found myself wandering outside the wall of the prison, but I just could not walk pass the gate."

Before Grant realized, tears already covered his whole face.

"Well, we can talk about this later. Fitz, why don't we go find Simmons and see what she come up for the new equipment?"

"After you went to prison, I decided to move on and I started to date agents in the base. Finally, I found a guy I liked very much and accepted his proposal. When we were planning our wedding, I kept thinking what you would say about everything. Then I realized I could not lie to myself anymore and it was not fair for him, so I called off the wedding and told him about you. How do you feel about me now?"

"I love you and I regretted pushing you away. When I knew you were engaged, I felt something in my life disappeared forever."

"I know. Do you want to start now?"

"I would love to, but I am not sure if I can ever have sex with you. You know, I can't feel anything from here."

"You think I haven't asked that question yet? Don't worry about it, baby."

Two months later, Grant and Skye finally married. Trip was his best man and Skye picked Simmons to be her maid of honor. Grant was worried about how Trip might feel about this arrangement, but Trip confirmed he was fine with it. Coulson walked Skye down as the father. His bride was so beautiful in that dress and he still could not believe she was his wife now. Fitz also attended his wedding and he seemed happy for him. After the wedding, Grant accepted the job offer so they moved to a house close to the Academy. They both knew life would not be easy ahead, but they could handle it together.

**End. **

**Thanks for everyone who favorite, follow or review my story. Hope you will like the ending. **


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